Clinging

This morning, I’m finding myself clinging to God. 

In my human frailty, I recognize my complete and utter need of Him.

Clinging, leaning into…these are postures I should have before Him every day – not just when I feel the need of Him. Yet, I am independent, sure of myself, confident – all beautiful qualities He created in me…yet each are trappings that can draw me away if I allow it.

In this moment, however, I find myself broken…at the end of myself, unable to change things of my own accord, completely at a loss…I’ve been here so often, fought hard for so long and I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting the same fight, finding myself in the same place time after time after time…revisiting that which I never want to return to, but seemingly unable to escape, held captive…

Then truth sinks in and I remember that I am no longer a slave – to fear, to poverty, to sickness, to lack in any way and I remember that He is perfect in all of His ways and in the midst of very real struggle, I can trust. I can trust because He IS a good Father. I understand His fierce love for me because I know the measure of my love for my own children. Because of that, I can better grasp the depth of love He has for me.

In the midst of all that I cannot comprehend, I CAN hold fast to knowing that because of His deep love for me, He has a plan that is GOOD, not “evil.” I can stand, even when I feel that all is crumbling around me, because I know that the truths that are deep in my heart are founded on that which is solid rock.

And…I can PRAISE HIM because He sees the end from the beginning…and His ways are higher than mine…and HE LOVES ME…

With that knowledge, I can stand. I can wait. I can hold fast – even when the winds and storms rage. I can rest and have peace within, even when nothing makes sense and I just don’t understand.

I’m no longer a slave to fear or to anything else and with that knowledge, I will NOT be shaken because He IS a good Father and I AM loved by Him.

“No Longer Slaves” (Bethel Music)

“Good Good Father” (Housefires II)

Matthew 7:24-27

Jeremiah 29:11

If Walls Could Talk

I love old homes – homes with history, homes with a past either known or obscure, homes that have LASTED a hundred years or more…

I imagine what life was like for the very first family who lived there and those who followed. Did that first family build the home themselves or was it built for them? What was our country like at that time and how did the home’s family fit into their community? Who visited their home? Were there any weddings there? Was anyone born there? Did anyone die there? What were holidays like? Did they have servants or did they do everything themselves? Were there any balls or parties held in the home? What secrets or declarations of love were whispered in the alcoves with only the walls privy to hear?

I think about the stories that the walls could tell if only they had a voice. What did they see? What did they hear? I can imagine them weeping with their inhabitants in times of sorrow and laughing along with them in times of joy. To sit and listen to the walls would be like sitting and listening to my grandmother tell stories of growing up in rural West Virginia at the start of the 20^th century. I would sit in rapt attention. I would laugh, I would weep and I would ask the walls to tell me again…and again….

It got me thinking. In all the homes in which I’ve lived, what stories could the walls tell about ME? About MY life? Would they be things I would want others to hear and know about or things that I’d rather have kept silent with no voices to tell of my past or even my present?

The walls of our homes hear our conversations. They see our actions. Would they speak of love, of joy, of good-natured teasing and of forgiveness for the times when mistakes were made? Or, would they speak of anger, bitterness, chastisement, ridicule, pain, rage, infidelity, coarse language and hidden sins?

I think each of our homes would speak of both – love and rage, forgiveness and ridicule, joy and pain. That’s life. What matters is what we do in each of those moments, how we handle those times and most importantly, how we care for the hearts held within those walls. We choose.

Anger and mistakes can be forgiven and let go…or they can be held onto, festering and infecting all those within reach. Simple joys can be looked upon with delight or scorned and thought of as ridiculous. Even times of sorrow can be shared together in common grief and the journey of healing traveled as one…or the walls can echo with the sounds of blame, rage, and the tearing apart of the very fabric that has bound the family together.  We choose. Each time, we choose.

I long for the walls of our home to resound with the worship of the Lord of our lives. I want them to ooze love, getting it all over anyone who enters. I want the very air that we breathe in to be filled with His presence and for each person who comes through our door to sense Him and His sheer delight in their very existence. We choose.

We’re not perfect. Our walls WILL tell of anger, of harsh words, of pain and even of hidden sins. But…they’ll also speak of the unconditional love of the One Who gave His life in order for us to be forgiven for all of the times we’ve made mistakes and hurt those whom we love and how that unconditional love has made it possible for us to forgive one another. They’ll speak of the ways we made things right when we got things so wrong. They’ll speak of the love between us that chooses to believe the best even in the face of the worst. Our walls will speak of courage in the face of shame and failure and they’ll tell our stories of success.

If the walls of your home could speak, what would they say? You choose. 

Pursuing God

Recently, we were worshipping at a church service to a song called Pursuit by Jesus Culture.

As I sang, “I will pursue You…I will pursue Your presence…” I got a picture in my mind of literally chasing after Jesus, in pursuit of Him far ahead. Then, all of a sudden, He was right in front of me, facing me, only inches away. I didn’t understand and asked Him what it meant.

He explained that pursuit can come in different forms. It can be running AFTER someone, trying to catch up to them. However, when Someone WANTS to be pursued, rather than running AWAY, that Person wants to be “caught,” so they STOP…turn around…move toward the pursuit…and come face to face with the one pursuing them, engaging with them so that it becomes a place of intimate relationship and connection.

After nearly 24 years of marriage, I’ve finally begun to understand more fully my husband’s need to be pursued by me. I’ve always considered it to be the man’s role to pursue the woman, but in understanding his need better, I’ve understood the concept of pursuing Jesus on a deeper level.

As much as I love to be pursued by my husband because it makes me feel loved, desired, secure and beautiful in his eyes, my pursuit of him gives him much the same sense of feeling loved, accepted, and wanted, filling needs within him that only I, as his wife can fill. It makes him feel empowered, confident and secure. It takes me out of my comfort zone and it positions me to put his needs before my own, loving selflessly without expecting anything in return, but what I am given in response is far more than I could have asked for if I’d even thought of it.

It’s the same when pursuing Jesus. When I chase after Him, He is captivated by me. He stops in His tracks and turns His full, loving attention on me. Being pursued by me fills HIM in a way that only I can because there is no one else like me. There’s a place within His heart that only I can fill and He has a need for me to fill that place with my love and adoration. That doesn’t make Him any less God, any less omnipotent or less omniscient. That simply affirms the reason for our creation – to enjoy relationship with Him.

When we pursue Him, He stops for us and draws us in even deeper. We delight Him as we step out of our comfort zones and pour out our love on Him, expecting nothing in return, just offering Him our hearts and adoration.

In those moments, His response of love toward us is even greater than we could have imagined it could be and when we leave His presence, we find ourselves longing to continue our pursuit of Him.

“I will pursue You…I will pursue Your Presence…I can’t live without Your Presence….It is life to me, it is the air that I breathe, it’s everything…” (Pursuit, Jesus Culture)

Man's Best Friend - Every House Needs One

I used to go to sleep at night snuggled up to my husband. Now I go to sleep with the dog. I’m actually ok with that. REALLY – I am!

Before you begin to think that our marriage is in trouble, let me allay those concerns. You see, Bri hasn’t stopped curling up next to me and wrapping his arms around me at night, he just does it later than he used to and I’m already asleep when he does (and generally not even aware of it). Instead of coming to bed with me, he’s been going into my office, adjacent to our bedroom, and spending time in worship and prayer. I can sacrifice his presence at night in order for Bri to be in HIS presence, spending intimate time with HIM instead of with me. When my husband connects intimately with the Lover of his soul, he can better love MY soul as a result.

The other night, Bri invited me to pray with him. I sat next to him on the couch and Bri turned on a Kim Walker worship song. The two of us praying together is nothing unusual, but THIS??? It was AWKWARD and…UNCOMFORTABLE. We lasted for about two minutes together (if that) before Bri said, “This is weird.” My response to him? “Oh, HALLELUJAH! GOOD NIGHT!!!” I was so thankful to get out of there! I kissed him goodnight and left as quickly as I could! It felt like I had walked in on two lovers and I was NOT supposed to be there!

This may all sound bizarre to you and that’s ok. Growing into greater depths of intimacy with God has been a progressive journey for us. We didn’t start here. As we’ve spent time in His presence with no real agenda and have allowed love to flow from Him to us and back to Him, that intimacy has grown, much as intimacy grows and deepens between husband and wife over time.

This may still sound foreign, even to those who are married, because many couples don’t ever experience the depth of intimacy between them that I’m describing. I had a conversation the other day in which I shared with someone our three marriage rules. These are the three principles upon which our marriage has been founded. They’re what has saved our marriage when we went through an incredibly difficult time and they’re what has enabled us to grow in intimacy over the years, falling more deeply in love each passing day, loving each other more than we ever knew was possible. These are the rules we live by daily:

1. Jesus Christ is LORD of our lives – period.
2. Divorce is NOT an option – end of discussion.
3. WHEN we argue or disagree, we have committed to always focus on the issue, not make it into a character assassination. We’ve never called one another a name of any sort; never even thought the other was a “jerk” or worse.

The first two rules are ones that are more common among married couples, especially those who are Christian couples. But it’s often the third one that’s left out and it makes all the difference in the world. When we focus on the issue at hand, we can find solutions for addressing it, even if it takes time. If we tear one another down, all we’re doing is damaging the heart and soul of the one we love. That’s not productive at all.

That doesn’t mean that we don’t have character development that needs to take place in each of us. It just means that we let Jesus do that work in the other person and trust God through the process. He’ll do a far better job than we ever could! That being said, God has shown me SO MUCH unconditional love through my husband, transforming my life, healing my heart and making me a much better person than I ever knew I could be, but that was God doing that and my husband was simply His willing vessel. Bri says that I have made him a better man, challenging him, causing him to push past his comfort zone and become the man God has called him to be rather than just float on the current of life.

Please hear me clearly on this. I have A LOT of compassion for those who have gone through a divorce. I remember looking at my pastor’s wife years ago and saying that I really understood why people choose that option because it can seem a whole lot easier than going through what we were going through at that time. I CAN say that the other side is incredibly sweet. We still work hard at our marriage every day. We HAVE to work hard at our marriage because it’s far from perfect. We still deal with issues and some of them even revolve around intimacy. The hard work we put into our marriage won’t ever stop because we know we need it and the benefits of falling in love more deeply every day are too wonderful to NOT work at it!

So, despite missing the warmth of my husband next to me as I fall asleep, I’m ok with having a dog (or two) in my bed for the first time ever. I know that as Bri spends time leaning into Jesus, worshipping, praying, and even falling asleep in HIS arms, that Bri will continue to grow and thrive personally, being an even better husband, father, and life transformer. I can make that sacrifice, sleeping with man’s best friend, so my beloved can spend time with HIS Best Friend. 

Paying the Cost and Living With the Mess

No one builds a house or renovates an older one without it costing something and there are always extra, unexpected things that are needed that raise the cost even more. The question becomes, “Are we willing to pay what will be required of us?” This is a question I’ve been wrestling with lately.

I’ve never wanted to build a new house. First of all, I prefer living in an older home with character and a story to it and, second of all, I don’t want the stress that’s particular to building something new, especially something that’s hard for me to envision since it doesn’t yet exist. I’m a visual learner and if I can’t envision something, I really struggle with grasping the concept. I fully believe that’s why God is gracious enough to speak to me in pictures. He knows how He made me and what I need in order to understand.

I love the idea of renovating that which is old, breathing life back into it, and finding its inner beauty, whether in a piece of furniture or in a home. It means even more to me if I can uncover a story connected to it and it has ties to other people. You can point out nearly anything in our home and I can tell you a story behind it. 

One of the challenges with renovating or refurbishing is the mess that it creates. When I refinish a piece furniture, I can keep the mess contained to a particular area, but when someone renovates a home, the mess seeps into everything as dust fills the air and goes into the vents and ducts. If it’s not properly sealed off from the rest of the house everyone and everything living in or in proximity to it gets covered in the mess.

Personally, I’m not one who likes things to be messy. I like order and cleanliness. I like everything to be in its place and I have a specific place for each item. Having our home be like that gives me a sense of security and peace and makes me feel as if I have a measure of control over at least some aspect of my life. Recently, Bri has taken great delight in rearranging my spice cabinet on me, just because he knows what my reaction will be when I find that my spices are no longer in alphabetical order. Welcome to OUR world…

Renovation isn’t easy. It totally disrupts “normal” life, nothing ever goes as planned and it generally ends up costing more than expected. I’m going to be completely honest. Sometimes I’m not sure if I want to pay the cost and have things get messy and out of control. I don’t necessarily want to be inconvenienced or have my comforts infringed upon and my life disrupted. There are times when I struggle with this, especially when it entails something that I really don’t know what sacrifices will be required to see the dream or vision fulfilled.

I really believe that those who renovate their homes or even build something entirely new are courageous. You have to be courageous to take the risk and give up control to Someone who’s qualified to do the job. There’s a certain degree of fearlessness that’s required to make the decision to be willing to pay the price of renovation and building, knowing it will cost more than you’ve been made aware that it will and that it will test you to the end of who you are and require complete surrender to your Carpenter. That’s a scary decision to make.  

What would motivate someone enough to begin the process? I think there are a lot of answers that can be given, but the one that I believe most answers would be founded on is love because so much comes as a result of relationship founded on love. Maybe the decision to renovate comes from knowing that a renovation would better the relationships that are dear to you, much the same as opening up the kitchen to connect with the family room to create a “great room” in which people could be together while meals are being made draws people closer to one another and deepens connections. In making the decision to allow personal renovation to occur, relationship connections can heal, deepen, or become enriched as we allow the work to happen within us.

Ultimately, I think much of it comes from the depth of relationship we share with our General Contractor, Architect, Carpenter, Designer – the ONE who fills all of those roles. When we are deeply connected to Him and love Him completely, we can trust Him, knowing that the plans He has are the very best plans to meet not only our needs, but also the needs of each of those who enter our “homes.” If we can surrender to His direction and be willing to go through the process, even knowing that it won’t necessarily be easy, we can take the risk, being fearless because we KNOW we are loved.

In her book, Birthing the Miraculous, Heidi Baker writes, “…you can be truly fearless only when you are in love – when you are immersed and yielded to the point that you do not care about the cost.”¹

When your depth of love for your Creator deepens and you recognize that you are loved even more than He loves you, only the dream…the vision…the plans of the Architect that are rooted within your heart matter and the cost and mess that will ensue become inconsequential in the light of that great love.

When we really stop to think about it, any cost that we could make would pale in comparison to the One that was already paid for on our behalf.

Are you willing to be fearless in the face of this immeasurable love and be courageous enough, brave enough, to begin or continue on in the renovation process?

1.       Heidi Baker, Birthing the Miraculous, The Power of Personal Encounters with God to Change Your Life and the World (Lake Mary: Charisma House), 68.

Revitalizing Communities

About 10 years ago, Bri and I felt that God was speaking this scripture to us:

“Those from among you shall build the old waste places; you shall raise up the foundations of many generations; and you shall be called the Repairer of the Breach, the Restorer of Streets to dwell in.” 

~Isaiah 58:12

At the time this word stood out to us, we were both involved real estate, filling multiple roles between us – construction, real estate sales, appraisal…We really thought that we were being called to help revitalize literal neighborhoods.

It’s taken all of this time for us to understand this word and how it really applies to us. We didn’t hear Him incorrectly all those years ago. We just didn’t understand the word fully and we weren’t prepared yet to do what He had called us to do. He needed to do quite a bit of renovation and restoration in us personally before we were prepared to work outside of our own “home.”

“Those from among you shall build the old waste places…” – we’re two of those people called to help build. What we’ve been called to build is communities of PEOPLE, going through the renovating, restoring, revitalizing process together. As we do, generations will be raised with strong foundations.

We’ve been called as “Repairers of the Breach.” According to the Encarta Dictionary, “breach” can mean “failure to maintain something, estrangement, a breakdown in friendly relations, a hole in something that is caused by something else forcing its way through, a gap that results when somebody or something leaves.” There are a lot of families and a lot of individual lives in this position. We’ve been called to help people fix it through the love, presence and power of the Great Architect.

When we think of restoring streets to dwell in, it means creating a place where people feel they can really LIVE and have be a HOME to them. It’s a place of peace, security, joy, fulfillment, laughter – a place where memories are made and held dear, a place where people are NEIGHBORS, doing life together.

This process happens one house at a time. It may be that several houses nearby one another are worked on simultaneously, but the work required on each house is different, based on that house’s particular needs. House after house is renovated and eventually an entire community and, therefore generations, emerge revitalized.

This is what we’ve all been called to do TOGETHER. While God may have spoken this to our hearts years ago, it’s a call to each one of us to work together toward these changes. What will come forth from it is a community that people long to live in – one which is sought out to become a part of because it’s seen as being a place of great worth, a place where others want to grow up and raise their own families, a place where people can BELONG, and feel LOVED and ACCEPTED. It will be a place where it’s ok and expected that things will get messy, knowing that it’s all a part of the renovation process and that the end results in greater value being added to the current community.

We’re watching God divinely build community and all He asks of us is to take each next step that He shows us to take in the renovation process. Isn’t that all that God asks of each of us?

Inherent Value

We’ve walked through so much heartache and death with our friends and family over the last year, our pain joining with theirs. So much has seemed broken beyond repair, unable to be fixed or salvaged.

I was thinking about this as I was walking this morning and I suddenly saw in my mind’s eye a picture of a white, weathered, dilapidated barn. Its door was open and inside it was bursting with all kinds of things that had been discarded, deemed to be of no use or value, things tossed aside in favor of new, things that were seemingly useless.

Barns like those are treasure troves. They’re the places where things of great value can be unearthed. They may need some refinishing or refurbishing, but when the hard work is done, they’re more valuable than they were when they were first created. They’ve stood the test of time and have survived. There’s great value in that.

God then reminded me that some of the world’s most valued and treasured works of art were created out of that which had been deemed beyond repair, things that had been discarded. Oftentimes, those things had to be taken apart, piece by piece, then joined with other pieces, old or new, to create something entirely different, something of great beauty, something that the world holds in high esteem, something that speaks to the hearts of those who gaze upon it.

Our lives can be barns filled with all of those things that we’ve deemed beyond repair, beyond saving, beyond help. We’ve tossed them aside, planned on dealing with them later, then they just got buried under the next thing we threw on top of it. Pretty soon, they’re forgotten about entirely and their progression toward brokenness only continues until decay and rot corrodes them completely and they crumble into nothingness.

Instead, we can choose to see the inherent value in those things. We can work to fix, restore or renovate that which is broken, putting in the blood, sweat and tears to cause beauty to shine forth from those things once again. Maybe it’s impossible for it to be repaired. Maybe it needs to be taken apart, bit by bit, joined with other pieces, and made into something entirely new. Life requires that of us sometimes.

Beauty can be brought forth from ashes and those are the things that become priceless.