Marriage is hard.
You live with someone day in and day out. Their
idiosyncrasies may or may not drive you crazy and it's easy to get so wrapped
up in the day-to-day that you can pause and suddenly realize your spouse has
become your roommate, not your best friend and lover. What about the baggage
you brought into your marriage and let's not forget the unexpected turns of
events - the business failures, illnesses, the "life didn't turn out the
way I thought it would" events and even tragedies? Yah, none of that is easy.
Brian and I were watching a Hallmark movie last night (yes,
we do that and Bri actually enjoys them). It was Karen Kingsbury’s “A Time to
Dance.” A couple married for over 20 years was about to divorce when they
discovered that their daughter was engaged and they decided to hide their
decision until after her wedding. At one point in the movie, the father-in-law
was speaking to his son-in-law and explained him that a marriage is like a
house that’s been invested in – you don’t just throw away the investment. You
take care of it, make the repairs, and treat it like the investment that it is.
(Sound familiar? Renovated Life, anyone???)
It’s funny the things that will spark conversation. Bri and
I talked for a while after that movie, reflecting on the countless times that
we’ve purposely CHOSEN one another, even telling the other one, “I choose YOU.”
I’ve struggled at times with feeling like I wasn’t “enough” for Bri – not the
right shape or size, not giving enough of myself often enough intimately, not
being adventurous enough, or supportive enough of his dreams…He could say the
same of himself toward me as far as not feeling like he’s been “enough,” but
that’s his story to write and not mine.
We have an amazing marriage and we don’t ever take it for
granted. We know ours isn’t the “norm” – it’s unique, it’s us and it’s been
hard fought for and hard won. It’s a choice we make every day. We choose not to
settle for less. We choose to work through the frustrations. We choose to be
angry, but not tear the other person down in the process. We’ve never called
one another a derogatory name – EVER. We choose to believe the best in the
other person, knowing the heart above what we are seeing and hearing in the
moment.
We live by 3 rules in marriage and those 3 rules have saved
us time and again:
- Jesus Christ is Lord of our lives (and our FIRST LOVE, above the other person).
- Divorce is not an option (Oh, but I have such great compassion and empathy for those who have divorced. I looked at a church leader years ago and said, “I totally understand why people choose to get a divorce because it can seem a whole lot easier than what we’re going through right now.” I can tell you, however, that being on the other side of that rough time and having fought through it has made our marriage so very sweet…)
- When angry, deal with the issue, don’t assassinate the other person’s character (i.e. no name calling).
Some people get angry with us for the things we share
publicly about one another. It’s “TMI” in their opinion and spoken of too
often. That’s ok. Each person is entitled to their opinion and it’s not going
to change anything for us. I’m here to tell you that while what we have in our
relationship is rare and beautiful, it’s something that ANYONE can have. How
badly do you want it? What are you doing to care for your investment? Are you
making the repairs? Are you taking care of it? Are you putting the other person
before yourself? Are you communicating even when it’s hard, facing challenges
with love and offering grace in areas where you’re each missing it? Are you
forgiving even when you feel you have every right to hold something against
your spouse? (***)
What do you want in your marriage? What kind of a vision do
you have for it? What have you dreamed your marriage would be like? When is the
last time you saw your marriage being able to be like that or a “Jesus refined”
version of it (since we can sometimes get a bit selfishly off track in our
dreams)? Can you believe that He can redeem it and make it even better than
what you’ve imagined or hoped for? Are you willing to put in the work…make the
sacrifices…lay down your life for one another? Do you really want it and can
you commit to walking it out EVERY. SINGLE. DAY?
It’s work. Think of the homes that have good bones, but need
to be totally gutted and redone to make them beautiful and inhabitable again.
Those homes can sometimes be purchased for as little as a dollar, but when the
work is completed, they’re worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in return.
Yes, a cost is paid to get them in that condition, but their value exceeds the
cost spent, giving it a good ROI – return on investment, and making it well
worth the frustrations, obstacles, unexpected expenses and even the delays in
completion.
In the end, it’s beautiful and priceless, a treasure for the
two of you and for the generations that follow in your family line. What an
inheritance to pass on to your children, grandchildren, great grandchildren…and
it can all begin with you.
My love, I choose YOU.
(***Side note – we fully believe that there are situations
and circumstances in which for the health, safety, and well-being of a spouse
or children in the home that separation and even divorce needs to happen. We
don’t believe that marriage should be maintained at the price of abuse. That
being said, we do believe that God is the God of the impossible and He is a
redemptive God. Use wisdom.)
