Have you ever built something really great, then found that
it needed to be dismantled and rebuilt? Friends of ours are finding themselves
in that position, having built a beautiful, new garage that now has to be
partially torn down and rebuilt differently on their property in order for it
to align with the city ordinances. Talk about
frustrating and stressful!
Personally, I’ve discovered a number of things in my life,
especially in my thinking, that I had thought to be good at the time, but have found
needed to be dismantled and rebuilt on a foundation of truth. Brian and I are
two of the church’s walking wounded – or at least we were. It’s heartbreaking
to see and experience the devastation of lives that can happen through the
hands of believers, most of whom truly believe that they’re following God in
the process. How do I know that? I was one of those people, controlling others
all in the name of Jesus and my pursuit of following and honoring Him by
following and honoring man. Ahhh…understanding dawns and truth illuminates…I
had become more enveloped in the fear of man than I had in the fear of God. I
wanted and needed affirmation so badly that I blindly followed believing that
in following the man and woman of God, I was hearing from God Himself and doing
His will.
I’ve spent the last 10 years going through a process of
being lovingly dismantled, then rebuilt on a true foundation, one built on Him
without a middleman between He and I. In the process, I’ve apologized and asked
forgiveness of any number of people – people whom I’ve loved with all of my
heart and poured into as a misguided leader and minister of the Gospel. Despite
me, God is faithful. He is loving. He is forgiving. He is GOOD – so much more
so than I ever knew Him to be in the past.
He’s torn down what I knew to be the definition of covenant
relationship, what it means to minister in His name, what it’s really like to
love as He loves, especially the unlovely – those who are “undeserving,” who
don’t “measure up.” He’s opened my eyes to see beyond the present and into the
heart – not the heart of the person, but the heart of the Father who loves so
deeply and sees each of us as the adored sons and daughters whom He has created
with divine purpose and eternal destiny.
Maybe most of all, He has dismantled the “have to’s” of
religion and ministry, given me a voice that speaks boundaries, and transformed
blind obedience into a love relationship where my response to Him is one of
passion and desire to follow His leading. He’s been pulling down the need for
man’s approval and been instilling a deep contentment with His pleasure and
favor, giving me a sense of being fulfilled in a way that man could never
accomplish. The desire to be in His presence, soaking up His adoration rather
than man’s accolades is becoming more and more important to me with each
passing day. Just to hear His voice and KNOW that He’s spoken to me…words fail
me in trying to describe how it makes me feel.
Worship has become something even deeper than it ever was
because of the depths of His heart that He enables me to touch as I pour out my
adoration and revel in the nearness of His presence. He is my everything and it’s
so much more than I ever realized it could be because He’s so much more loving
than I had ever known Him to be. He’s not a task master. He’s the lover of my
soul. He invites me to participate with Him in the things that are the passions
of His heart. He’s teaching me to love in a more pure way, without expectation
of return or performance, just love for the sake of love.
Having a greater understanding of His goodness has brought
freedom to my soul. It’s made me brave and courageous, far beyond my
capabilities. Even though the dismantling process has been painful at times,
His love and goodness have been at the root of it all and the knowledge of the
depth of His love has made me brave enough to continue to walk through it.
If you are one whom I hurt in the past, I’m so very sorry. Please
forgive me. I love you deeply and God loves you so much more. If you have been
hurt by others in the church, rejected in any way, I’m so very sorry for that,
too. Please forgive them and find freedom in that forgiveness. My prayer is
that Father God would dismantle the lies that we’ve believed to be truth and
that His love and goodness would ignite a deep healing in each of our hearts. I
pray “you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32)
