Worth the Investment

Marriage is hard.

You live with someone day in and day out. Their idiosyncrasies may or may not drive you crazy and it's easy to get so wrapped up in the day-to-day that you can pause and suddenly realize your spouse has become your roommate, not your best friend and lover. What about the baggage you brought into your marriage and let's not forget the unexpected turns of events - the business failures, illnesses, the "life didn't turn out the way I thought it would" events and even tragedies? Yah, none of that is easy.

Brian and I were watching a Hallmark movie last night (yes, we do that and Bri actually enjoys them). It was Karen Kingsbury’s “A Time to Dance.” A couple married for over 20 years was about to divorce when they discovered that their daughter was engaged and they decided to hide their decision until after her wedding. At one point in the movie, the father-in-law was speaking to his son-in-law and explained him that a marriage is like a house that’s been invested in – you don’t just throw away the investment. You take care of it, make the repairs, and treat it like the investment that it is. (Sound familiar? Renovated Life, anyone???)

It’s funny the things that will spark conversation. Bri and I talked for a while after that movie, reflecting on the countless times that we’ve purposely CHOSEN one another, even telling the other one, “I choose YOU.” I’ve struggled at times with feeling like I wasn’t “enough” for Bri – not the right shape or size, not giving enough of myself often enough intimately, not being adventurous enough, or supportive enough of his dreams…He could say the same of himself toward me as far as not feeling like he’s been “enough,” but that’s his story to write and not mine.

We have an amazing marriage and we don’t ever take it for granted. We know ours isn’t the “norm” – it’s unique, it’s us and it’s been hard fought for and hard won. It’s a choice we make every day. We choose not to settle for less. We choose to work through the frustrations. We choose to be angry, but not tear the other person down in the process. We’ve never called one another a derogatory name – EVER. We choose to believe the best in the other person, knowing the heart above what we are seeing and hearing in the moment.

We live by 3 rules in marriage and those 3 rules have saved us time and again:

1. Jesus Christ is Lord of our lives (and our FIRST LOVE, above the other person).
2. Divorce is not an option (Oh, but I have such great compassion and empathy for those who have divorced. I looked at a church leader years ago and said, “I totally understand why people choose to get a divorce because it can seem a whole lot easier than what we’re going through right now.” I can tell you, however, that being on the other side of that rough time and having fought through it has made our marriage so very sweet…)
3. When angry, deal with the issue, don’t assassinate the other person’s character (i.e. no name calling).

 Some people get angry with us for the things we share publicly about one another. It’s “TMI” in their opinion and spoken of too often. That’s ok. Each person is entitled to their opinion and it’s not going to change anything for us. I’m here to tell you that while what we have in our relationship is rare and beautiful, it’s something that ANYONE can have. How badly do you want it? What are you doing to care for your investment? Are you making the repairs? Are you taking care of it? Are you putting the other person before yourself? Are you communicating even when it’s hard, facing challenges with love and offering grace in areas where you’re each missing it? Are you forgiving even when you feel you have every right to hold something against your spouse? (***)

What do you want in your marriage? What kind of a vision do you have for it? What have you dreamed your marriage would be like? When is the last time you saw your marriage being able to be like that or a “Jesus refined” version of it (since we can sometimes get a bit selfishly off track in our dreams)? Can you believe that He can redeem it and make it even better than what you’ve imagined or hoped for? Are you willing to put in the work…make the sacrifices…lay down your life for one another? Do you really want it and can you commit to walking it out EVERY. SINGLE. DAY?

It’s work. Think of the homes that have good bones, but need to be totally gutted and redone to make them beautiful and inhabitable again. Those homes can sometimes be purchased for as little as a dollar, but when the work is completed, they’re worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in return. Yes, a cost is paid to get them in that condition, but their value exceeds the cost spent, giving it a good ROI – return on investment, and making it well worth the frustrations, obstacles, unexpected expenses and even the delays in completion.

In the end, it’s beautiful and priceless, a treasure for the two of you and for the generations that follow in your family line. What an inheritance to pass on to your children, grandchildren, great grandchildren…and it can all begin with you.

My love, I choose YOU. 

  

(***Side note – we fully believe that there are situations and circumstances in which for the health, safety, and well-being of a spouse or children in the home that separation and even divorce needs to happen. We don’t believe that marriage should be maintained at the price of abuse. That being said, we do believe that God is the God of the impossible and He is a redemptive God. Use wisdom.)

Vantage Point

When I think about building a house, one of the first things that comes to my mind is the view. How will the house be positioned and what will I see out of each window in the house? I want to position it to make the most of its vantage point, affording me the best view possible no matter where I am in the home.

I’ve been thinking about vantage points in terms of people recently. God keeps drawing me to have a deeper understanding of His vantage point when He looks at people. Vantage point literally means, “a place or position affording a good view of something.” His view is so much different from mine. He sees us with such deep love. He looks past our flaws and He sees us as we were created to be, according to His original design for us. Through His unconditional love, He draws that original plan out from within us, bringing us into the fullness of our unique design. We have a choice to respond or not, remaining the same or allowing that love to change our hearts, transforming us from the inside out.

When I look at others, do I see a “good view” of them? Can I look past that which is unlovely in them? Can I look past it in myself?

Jesus hung out with sinners, tax collectors, and prostitutes. It was on these men and women that the church was built, but today, how many of us shun those we’ve determined to be sinners, especially when it comes to building the church? When is the last time any of us have loved the “objectionable” individuals in our midst. Can we see a leader within them? Can we look at an addict and see redemptively into their lives and souls, look beyond their current circumstances and see the greatness of His testimony within  them waiting to be drawn out? How is our house positioned? What do we see out of each window?

We’re called to love – even those…ESPECIALLY those…who don’t deserve it. The homeless, the addict, the prostitute, the pimp, the adulterer, the thief. Think of it… with one of His final breaths, Jesus loved the thief hanging beside Him and assured him of his place with Jesus in eternity.

Do we have that vantage point? I’m not there yet, but I’m working on it.

Dismantling

Have you ever built something really great, then found that it needed to be dismantled and rebuilt? Friends of ours are finding themselves in that position, having built a beautiful, new garage that now has to be partially torn down and rebuilt differently on their property in order for it to align with the city ordinances.  Talk about frustrating and stressful!

Personally, I’ve discovered a number of things in my life, especially in my thinking, that I had thought to be good at the time, but have found needed to be dismantled and rebuilt on a foundation of truth. Brian and I are two of the church’s walking wounded – or at least we were. It’s heartbreaking to see and experience the devastation of lives that can happen through the hands of believers, most of whom truly believe that they’re following God in the process. How do I know that? I was one of those people, controlling others all in the name of Jesus and my pursuit of following and honoring Him by following and honoring man. Ahhh…understanding dawns and truth illuminates…I had become more enveloped in the fear of man than I had in the fear of God. I wanted and needed affirmation so badly that I blindly followed believing that in following the man and woman of God, I was hearing from God Himself and doing His will.

I’ve spent the last 10 years going through a process of being lovingly dismantled, then rebuilt on a true foundation, one built on Him without a middleman between He and I. In the process, I’ve apologized and asked forgiveness of any number of people – people whom I’ve loved with all of my heart and poured into as a misguided leader and minister of the Gospel. Despite me, God is faithful. He is loving. He is forgiving. He is GOOD – so much more so than I ever knew Him to be in the past.

He’s torn down what I knew to be the definition of covenant relationship, what it means to minister in His name, what it’s really like to love as He loves, especially the unlovely – those who are “undeserving,” who don’t “measure up.” He’s opened my eyes to see beyond the present and into the heart – not the heart of the person, but the heart of the Father who loves so deeply and sees each of us as the adored sons and daughters whom He has created with divine purpose and eternal destiny.

Maybe most of all, He has dismantled the “have to’s” of religion and ministry, given me a voice that speaks boundaries, and transformed blind obedience into a love relationship where my response to Him is one of passion and desire to follow His leading. He’s been pulling down the need for man’s approval and been instilling a deep contentment with His pleasure and favor, giving me a sense of being fulfilled in a way that man could never accomplish. The desire to be in His presence, soaking up His adoration rather than man’s accolades is becoming more and more important to me with each passing day. Just to hear His voice and KNOW that He’s spoken to me…words fail me in trying to describe how it makes me feel.

Worship has become something even deeper than it ever was because of the depths of His heart that He enables me to touch as I pour out my adoration and revel in the nearness of His presence. He is my everything and it’s so much more than I ever realized it could be because He’s so much more loving than I had ever known Him to be. He’s not a task master. He’s the lover of my soul. He invites me to participate with Him in the things that are the passions of His heart. He’s teaching me to love in a more pure way, without expectation of return or performance, just love for the sake of love.

Having a greater understanding of His goodness has brought freedom to my soul. It’s made me brave and courageous, far beyond my capabilities. Even though the dismantling process has been painful at times, His love and goodness have been at the root of it all and the knowledge of the depth of His love has made me brave enough to continue to walk through it.

If you are one whom I hurt in the past, I’m so very sorry. Please forgive me. I love you deeply and God loves you so much more. If you have been hurt by others in the church, rejected in any way, I’m so very sorry for that, too. Please forgive them and find freedom in that forgiveness. My prayer is that Father God would dismantle the lies that we’ve believed to be truth and that His love and goodness would ignite a deep healing in each of our hearts. I pray “you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32)   

The Field

This is a complete departure from the way I normally write, but this is what was on my heart today. I hope that through it, you'll find yourself caught up in His arms of love...

In a field was a girl, walking through the tall grasses, clothed in a flowing white dress, fingers brushing the tips of each blade of grass in her path.

She knew He was there. Heart filled with expectancy and anticipation, she looked for Him. The sun shone down brilliantly all around, warming her face and adding to her joy. “He’s here…I know He’s here…”

Peace filled her soul with each step she took. A light breeze caught her hair, wrapping it around her face, and she laughed in delight.

A large tree stood in the distance, a majestic sentinel keeping watch over the meadow. There He stood next to it, watching her approach, utter delight upon His face.

Catching sight of Him, she hiked up her skirt, running to Him as swiftly as her bare feet would carry her. In a burst of love-filled speed, He had her caught up in His arms, swinging her around, squeals of laughter and deep rumbles of joy filling the air.

Lifting her into His arms, He carried her to the tree where He sat down, back against its trunk, cradling her close to His heart, her head resting against His chest. She breathed deeply of His fragrance and listened to the beating of His heart as He gently stroked her hair. All she could think was that here, in His arms, she was home; she was safe, protected, and loved.

Then, the realization hit her and she sat up, looking over His shoulder. The tree upon which the One whom she loved leaned was a purposeful reminder of the tree, in the form of a cross, which had brought them together, making it possible for them to revel in the fullness of their love relationship. She was reminded anew of just how deeply He loved her and how sacrificial that love really was. He not only waited for her as she searched for Him, He had prepared the way, making the path open for her to come to Him through His own sacrifice.

She leaned back against Him, overwhelmed by the depth of His love. She felt His arms wrap around her even more tightly and knew that He was responding to her thoughts. 

“I am Yours and You are mine for all eternity…”

Blossoms

I love when spring comes and fills the trees with colors of white, light pink, purple, yellow and fuschia. I look out my office window at home and see blossoms everywhere. It’s as if everything on the earth has awakened and new life has come after months of grays and browns had swallowed up nature’s vibrancy.  

I can’t help but think of the ways that the very same thing has been happening in the lives of so many around us. I’ve watched as friends whom we love and care about deeply have come through challenging times and been transformed through their winter season, having now entered into their spring. Winter been harsher for some, while it’s been milder for others. One friend called this morning just to say that after all she’s walked through, she’s never been happier in her life or closer to Jesus. Other sweet friends, whose life looked very different just two years ago, are moving across the nation to live in a place where they’ll be fulfilling dreams that have only been dreams…until now. They’re each blossoming in their own ways and there’s such beauty in it.

What’s always fascinated me is that the blossoms I love so much can’t burst forth unless death has come first.  I’m particularly mindful of that right now since it’s Holy Week – the week we remember the greatest sacrifice ever made and the Resurrection that overcame Death once and for all. There’s an oft-told legend of the Dogwood tree in which it’s been said that it used to be a very large tree and its wood was chosen for use as the cross Christ carried. It was so sorrowed by its use that Christ took pity on its suffering and said that it would no longer grow large enough for its wood to be used for such a purpose. Its blossoms would be in the shape of a cross with brown and red marks for the rust of the nails and blood of Jesus and in the center of the blossom, there would sit a crown of thorns. Whether this legend holds any truth really doesn’t matter. The Dogwood outside my window still draws my heart close to my Savior through its blossoms.  

The blossoms I see all around me give me hope and fill my heart with anticipation. I know that no matter how long the winter may be, spring will come and new life will burst forth. It’s impossible for the season of death and desolation to last forever. Even in those dreary months when darkness seems pervasive and never-ending, joy can be found. I think of the fun of sledding, being curled up by the fire, playing games with our family, snuggling together and watching movies, and celebrating Christmas, which is my favorite time of the year even though it falls during the winter season. Even during those months that can seem so bleak, we can find joy, wonder and love.

Our winter seasons don’t generally coincide with nature, but each time a season changes on earth, I’m mindful that the seasons of my life will change, too. Even though the winter months of our lives may seem to be lasting longer than they should with Punxsutawney Phil declaring that we’re in store for another 6 weeks of it, the seasons of our lives will change. We’ll blossom and grow. There will be new life and those around us may even marvel at the beauty of it.

Playing in the Rain

I still remember when I got in trouble for playing out in the rain. I was only 9 or 10 and couldn’t figure out why it was such a problem. I was wet, but we weren’t even going anywhere. All these years later, I still love playing in the rain. I let our kids dance and play in it when they were little and joined them, dancing along beside them as the rain splashed the earth. We would come inside soaking wet and laughing; oftentimes, they didn’t even have any clothes on. When we first moved to Georgia and Bri was still in Connecticut finishing up a job he was working on, he would come and visit us some weekends. One weekend, we were out running errands together and stopped at a Starbucks for a cup of coffee. The skies had opened up and bucketfuls of water were pouring down. We splashed in the puddles, kicked water at each other, laughed and kissed as the rain fell on our faces. That will forever be known as “our” Starbucks…

There’s something about the rain…the way it washes over us, splatters on our faces, sometimes falling on our smiles, at other times, mixing with our tears.  It’s cleansing, refreshing, at times scary and overpowering, leaving us feeling exposed and unsafe, at other times making us feel secure as we sit cozied up inside, blankets wrapped around us, with rain pelting the windows.

I think part of the reason why I love rain so much – its feel, its smell – is because of its touch upon my spirit and soul and the way that it’s inextricably connected to Holy Spirit. I see Him and sense Him in the rain and I sense the Father’s delight at my play and His laughter at my antics. I feel Holy Spirit wash over me, splattering me with His very being. It can feel overpowering and even a bit scary at times, but it makes me think of C.S. Lewis’ (1950) The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe when Susan asks if the great Lion, Aslan, is safe. "Safe?" said Mr. Beaver. "Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you.”

I feel the same way about Holy Spirit. My life with Him is anything but “safe,” sometimes leaving me feeling exposed, but He’s good and there is no adventure like the one I’m on with Him. More often than not, He wraps me up in His presence, making me feel loved, secure, safe, at home, and even empowered. At other times, He washes over my broken, battered and tattered self, cleansing my wounds, His water mixing with my tears and washing them away.

I’m much more apt to play in the rain when my hair is curly. I don’t worry about messing up a hairstyle that I’d spent time straightening. When my hair is curly, I’m unencumbered, without any worries about how the rain will “mess things up.” I’m much more willing to get messy when I haven’t invested the time into trying to get things perfect. My husband will be the first to say that I’m the most beautiful in those moments when I’m drenched and imperfect, a smile filling my face. It’s the same with Holy Spirit. Being willing to freely soak in His presence, unencumbered by perfection, drenched in His love, causing a smile to well up from within and pour out…it’s beautiful. Sometimes we get so entrenched in needing things to be a certain way because we’ve worked hard for them to be a certain way that we stay out of the rain altogether, when what would bring us true joy is to go out and play, get messy, laugh, and smile.

I feel it in my bones, You’re about to move

I feel it in the wind, You’re about to ride in

You said that You would pour Your Spirit out

You said that You would fall on sons and daughters

So let the rain drench us in love

Let Your power rush in like a flood

(Spirit Move, Bethel Music, 2015)

Let the rain pour down, soaking you. Let it wash over you, love its feel and its smell…Be imperfect, without worries about how you look. Be a beautiful mess. Dance and play. Be free.

Lewis, C.S. (1950). The lion, the witch, and the wardrobe. Macmillan, NY.

When the Dog Bites

A few days ago, I was out walking and long story short, got bitten in the leg by a dog. Of course, I had stopped carrying my pepper spray, thinking I really didn’t need it. How wrong I was! While the bite had broken the skin and left some bruising, it fortunately wasn’t serious. What affected me more was how frightening the situation had been for me, especially since the dog continued to follow me across the road to a neighbor’s house where I took refuge.  For the rest of the night, each time I had to share the story with someone, I began to shake. The incident was so unexpected, my leg hurt like crazy, and I felt a measure of trauma from it. I crawled into bed after taking a hot shower, drank a cup of tea, used essential oils to help foster a sense of peace and calm within me and had my husband hold me. I just wanted all to be right with my world again.

There was one point in the evening when Bri asked me if I had talked to Jesus about what had happened. I was NOT in a frame of mind to have a conversation yet. I didn’t even feel like I could think straight at that point! Then, the next morning I went to church and a friend who had seen my post about having been bitten asked if I was ok and followed that with, “Have you talked to God about this yet?” Point taken, Jesus, hint received…So, I had a conversation with Him. It didn’t take long and it was quite simple. It went something like this:

Me: Lord, I know you didn’t cause that dog to bite me, but what do you want me to take away from this having happened?

God: Fear has entered into your life. The snarling dog and his pursuit of you, even across a busy road, represent fear’s pursuit of you.

That gave me a lot to think about and I knew I was given a choice in that moment – continue on in fear or make the choice to not let fear dominate me. I thought about all of the things that I struggle with that cause fear. It’s primarily centered on security and having the finances to meet even our most basic needs. When those needs aren’t met, I become incredibly fearful and the dog is biting at my leg.

I thought about being in that situation with the dog aggressively coming toward me. I relied on what I knew to do in my own strength and power – I didn’t run and I used a very deep, loud voice to declare, “NO!” The problem was that what I did in my own strength and power wasn’t enough. The dog got his bite in and continued to pursue me, causing fear to keep me behind a closed door that I wouldn’t come out from behind until two other men went outside to check for the dog and my husband was on his way to “rescue” me. It never occurred to me in the midst of the situation to cry out to God for help or to use the name of Jesus with power and authority. I automatically fell back on what I knew to do on my own to help myself in a scary situation. I didn’t beat myself up over that, but it did make me think of how often I do that in any variety of situations.

When we find ourselves in need with our backs up against a wall, we pray and cry out to God for help, but we often default to doing all that we can in our own strength to save ourselves, coming up with solutions that may not always be HIS solutions. We react out of fear, making a swift decision and jumping at the most immediate way out when traveling that way can lead us on a much longer path to being saved from the very thing that’s causing us to fear. It reminds me of the Israelites who wandered in the desert for 40 years because they let fear dominate the majority and an entire generation never entered the Promised Land. They missed out on so much, including the miracles that God performed on their behalf when they eventually faced their enemies in the land God had given them. He did so much more on their behalf than they ever could have done for themselves. Just think of the walls of Jericho!

The passage in Matthew 6: 25-34 comes to mind. Jesus ends by saying, “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’…For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own troubles.”  Even knowing this, how many of us fear and worry about both the big and the small? Much of what we worry about is completely out of our control, which is why we fear it.

When Todd White spoke at our church the morning after I was bitten, he shared a word picture of holding a daisy and pulling off each petal one-by-one, saying of the Father, “He loves me. He loves me. He loves me…” There’s never a “not” attached to that when you’re thinking of how the Father loves each of us. Being sure of that beyond a shadow of a doubt keeps fear at bay, closing the door in its face, and gives us authority over it so that it has no longer has power over us. I KNOW that we have a Father in heaven who adores us and cares for our every need and I KNOW He WILL stand by His word because He is faithful.   Because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is a good, good Father, I don’t need to be afraid. I can trust, even when things look scary.

While the dogs may pursue and nip at us, we can be assured that even in those situations, He IS protecting us and He does a much better job of it than we can do for ourselves. The choice is ours. Are we going to continue on in fear or choose to not let fear dominate us? My decision is made. How about you?