Dismantling

Have you ever built something really great, then found that it needed to be dismantled and rebuilt? Friends of ours are finding themselves in that position, having built a beautiful, new garage that now has to be partially torn down and rebuilt differently on their property in order for it to align with the city ordinances.  Talk about frustrating and stressful!

Personally, I’ve discovered a number of things in my life, especially in my thinking, that I had thought to be good at the time, but have found needed to be dismantled and rebuilt on a foundation of truth. Brian and I are two of the church’s walking wounded – or at least we were. It’s heartbreaking to see and experience the devastation of lives that can happen through the hands of believers, most of whom truly believe that they’re following God in the process. How do I know that? I was one of those people, controlling others all in the name of Jesus and my pursuit of following and honoring Him by following and honoring man. Ahhh…understanding dawns and truth illuminates…I had become more enveloped in the fear of man than I had in the fear of God. I wanted and needed affirmation so badly that I blindly followed believing that in following the man and woman of God, I was hearing from God Himself and doing His will.

I’ve spent the last 10 years going through a process of being lovingly dismantled, then rebuilt on a true foundation, one built on Him without a middleman between He and I. In the process, I’ve apologized and asked forgiveness of any number of people – people whom I’ve loved with all of my heart and poured into as a misguided leader and minister of the Gospel. Despite me, God is faithful. He is loving. He is forgiving. He is GOOD – so much more so than I ever knew Him to be in the past.

He’s torn down what I knew to be the definition of covenant relationship, what it means to minister in His name, what it’s really like to love as He loves, especially the unlovely – those who are “undeserving,” who don’t “measure up.” He’s opened my eyes to see beyond the present and into the heart – not the heart of the person, but the heart of the Father who loves so deeply and sees each of us as the adored sons and daughters whom He has created with divine purpose and eternal destiny.

Maybe most of all, He has dismantled the “have to’s” of religion and ministry, given me a voice that speaks boundaries, and transformed blind obedience into a love relationship where my response to Him is one of passion and desire to follow His leading. He’s been pulling down the need for man’s approval and been instilling a deep contentment with His pleasure and favor, giving me a sense of being fulfilled in a way that man could never accomplish. The desire to be in His presence, soaking up His adoration rather than man’s accolades is becoming more and more important to me with each passing day. Just to hear His voice and KNOW that He’s spoken to me…words fail me in trying to describe how it makes me feel.

Worship has become something even deeper than it ever was because of the depths of His heart that He enables me to touch as I pour out my adoration and revel in the nearness of His presence. He is my everything and it’s so much more than I ever realized it could be because He’s so much more loving than I had ever known Him to be. He’s not a task master. He’s the lover of my soul. He invites me to participate with Him in the things that are the passions of His heart. He’s teaching me to love in a more pure way, without expectation of return or performance, just love for the sake of love.

Having a greater understanding of His goodness has brought freedom to my soul. It’s made me brave and courageous, far beyond my capabilities. Even though the dismantling process has been painful at times, His love and goodness have been at the root of it all and the knowledge of the depth of His love has made me brave enough to continue to walk through it.

If you are one whom I hurt in the past, I’m so very sorry. Please forgive me. I love you deeply and God loves you so much more. If you have been hurt by others in the church, rejected in any way, I’m so very sorry for that, too. Please forgive them and find freedom in that forgiveness. My prayer is that Father God would dismantle the lies that we’ve believed to be truth and that His love and goodness would ignite a deep healing in each of our hearts. I pray “you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32)